I quite like the action and pace of this story; it doesn't get bogged down in over-explaining details or world lore.
That said, it did sometimes feel like elements were being introduced with no context; the intro to the family works, but the introduction to the priest who immediately betrays the narrator is jarring. The fact that less that it takes less than ten minutes to go from "I am a simple dumpling-seller with strange powers" to "I am a semi-murderous fugitive" is a little abrupt. I would've liked more time to get used to the world as a whole, rather than leap straight into the action immediately.
Likewise, I'm very unsure of the setting. We get snippets—dumplings, political priests, golden statues—but very few concrete details to work from. Part of this stems from not having names for anything, but more than that I think it's just a lack of any broader context or setting. Other stories can get away with being set in our own normal world or some other clearly-referenced locale, but because this is an already-fantastical setting you might be muddying further, nailing down setting details will help set the stakes.
Still, I enjoyed the action and drama of the story. Make a few adjustments and you'll have something very strong to work with.
So far this is really excellent! I really love the world you've created, I could really see it in my imagination. The focus on both familial love and action really evoked the Hercules story for me, great job on that! I think it might have been easier to read if you cut the pages so there were more, shorter pages. Overall, great job, I had a ton of fun reading this -- I caught myself cheering on Hercules during all the action scenes!! I can't wait to see how you finish this!
Interesting world building. I feel like you have a lot of thoughts for the world, but didn't get to it because of time. The passages are a bit long, and the display port was really big, not really important though. It feels like a short beginning for a huge adventure ahead. The way of world building and the expansion of the story also felt like a JPRG. I would like to see more of it though.
This was really fun to read-There was a weird thing where the perspective was in 2nd person, then goes to first person the rest of the time, but otherwise the writing was very clear and concise.
I'm a sucker for superhero like stuff, so playing as someone with powers that he's trying to hide was really fun and made me think "well, what would i do?" a lot. I just wish there were a bit more choices though. At the very least, however, the parts with choices in them felt very impactful.
I also love the setting and worldbuilding too-the beginning was slow, but that was probably to make sure the 2nd part after that would be fast and dynamic. I love it! Wonderful job!
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I quite like the action and pace of this story; it doesn't get bogged down in over-explaining details or world lore.
That said, it did sometimes feel like elements were being introduced with no context; the intro to the family works, but the introduction to the priest who immediately betrays the narrator is jarring. The fact that less that it takes less than ten minutes to go from "I am a simple dumpling-seller with strange powers" to "I am a semi-murderous fugitive" is a little abrupt. I would've liked more time to get used to the world as a whole, rather than leap straight into the action immediately.
Likewise, I'm very unsure of the setting. We get snippets—dumplings, political priests, golden statues—but very few concrete details to work from. Part of this stems from not having names for anything, but more than that I think it's just a lack of any broader context or setting. Other stories can get away with being set in our own normal world or some other clearly-referenced locale, but because this is an already-fantastical setting you might be muddying further, nailing down setting details will help set the stakes.
Still, I enjoyed the action and drama of the story. Make a few adjustments and you'll have something very strong to work with.
So far this is really excellent! I really love the world you've created, I could really see it in my imagination. The focus on both familial love and action really evoked the Hercules story for me, great job on that! I think it might have been easier to read if you cut the pages so there were more, shorter pages. Overall, great job, I had a ton of fun reading this -- I caught myself cheering on Hercules during all the action scenes!! I can't wait to see how you finish this!
Interesting world building. I feel like you have a lot of thoughts for the world, but didn't get to it because of time. The passages are a bit long, and the display port was really big, not really important though. It feels like a short beginning for a huge adventure ahead. The way of world building and the expansion of the story also felt like a JPRG. I would like to see more of it though.
Hello!
This was really fun to read-There was a weird thing where the perspective was in 2nd person, then goes to first person the rest of the time, but otherwise the writing was very clear and concise.
I'm a sucker for superhero like stuff, so playing as someone with powers that he's trying to hide was really fun and made me think "well, what would i do?" a lot. I just wish there were a bit more choices though. At the very least, however, the parts with choices in them felt very impactful.
I also love the setting and worldbuilding too-the beginning was slow, but that was probably to make sure the 2nd part after that would be fast and dynamic. I love it! Wonderful job!